The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult