Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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I miss this era type of pranks😭
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
May never get over this
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.