A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.