“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship