yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I love you…
…r dog.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out