Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.