*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.