The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
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A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect