[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder