We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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This meeting could have been a cake
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Vodka burrito was a success
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.