when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
this is what they would have looked like, though
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.