Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
SF is the wild wild west man
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people