‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?