Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..