Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?