Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about