Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.