*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
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me: I鈥檇 wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that鈥檚 some bullshit right there
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
checking out some reviews of my local library
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Farmers who aren鈥檛 pro tractors, what鈥檚 your angle?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son鈥檚 friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
i was NOT expecting this 馃槶 watch till the end
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I鈥檓 like dude we don鈥檛 have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you鈥檙e just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.