My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*