INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Hey I worked for it too!
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac