itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
me irl
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.