If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”