Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.