Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar