“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt