ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”