Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️