*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
You Might Also Like
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe