Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha