Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
☠️☠️☠️
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?