Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Note to self: I am a note
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house