[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything