Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Haha! 😂
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.