Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.