I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You Might Also Like
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
mariah carrie
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no