I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”