Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
😅😅😅
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
the battle rages on
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.