i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
i wish we could shoplift online
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick