Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
What personal space?
My dog
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
it must be school picture day
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son