I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You Might Also Like
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them