Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
What an awful time to have common sense.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year