Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You Might Also Like
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”