Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?