Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
IT’S-A ME,
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.