Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
found my next D&D character name
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best