Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*