hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.