Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener