Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
You Might Also Like
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.