Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Always a metermaid never a meter
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Oh boy, $150,000!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.